Trouble Sleeping

For the second night in a row I just can't seem to fall asleep.
So I get out of bed (or in this case - the couch, because my roommate has the stomach bug) and make myself a pb&j on the frying pan (because we don't have a microwave) which I know, has got to be the worst habit ever.

Why can't I sleep? I have so much on my mind. You see, I have been holed-up in my apartment for the past four days straight. I had a terrible cold and after much encouagement from my parents I forced myself to rest the entire time. No skiing, no hot tubbing, no nothing. Just rest. So I've done a lot of reading and even more thinking. And even after all this thinking...I don't know what to think.

I don't know why I'm here. Recently it has become very clear to me what I want to do with my life, and so for now, I feel like I'm wasting my time.
But Katy darling, we must remember that it was you who said "I'm going to take some time off to figure out exactly what I want to do. I'm not going to go back to school until I am 100% positive of what I want to study."

Well, I'm positive alright. I've been pretty positive for about seven months now. Need I wait longer? Apparently I do. Because as restless as I am here, I have even less peace about going home. I just can't. I still believe that God has me here for a reason. I just have no clue as to what it could be. I stand by my feeling that people here are just so dense. Dense and apathetic. Dense to the fact that you are trying to love them and apathetic to the fact that this love comes from Jesus.

I also know that some of these feelings are arising because I've almost finished reading Chap Clark's "When Kids Hurt". Although by definition I am still considered an adolescent, I am hurting so bad for my fellow adolescents. I want to badly to go back to school so that I can be better equipped to help them. Which is why I feel like I am wasting time here.

I don't know, maybe I just need to chill out and step back. The Lord has his timing and I have mine. Apparently mine is at a much more hurried pace than His. Which, by the way, is a big problem with adolescents nowadays - we are too hurried. You see?! It is precisely these kinds of questions that arise in my mind and just sit there like a midnight pb&j in my stomach. I have nobody to digest, er, discuss these questions with and they just sit there in my brain and create for a very quiet, very introverted Katy. Yes, dear friends reading this, I can and should call you, but I haven't been able to talk for the past few days without hacking up a lung. Please forgive me - I'll call you soon.

Anyway. I'm no more tired than when I began this post. Perhaps I should try to sleep though. Seeing as tomorrow is my first day back at my hellacious job and we are supposed to have about 200 kids. AND I've been getting pretty worn out just by walking to the bus stop. Woe is me.

Even though everything is more expensive here, I would pay just about anything to have my Starbucks coffee in the morning. The days that I take the time to sit, sip, read and journal before work always prove to be better days. Thanks for reading. I hope to soon be able to post some nice, uplifting stories. Until then, midnight-snack-quiet-introverted-a-little-bit-pissed-off-Katy is going to try to go to bed. Sweet dreams.